Wednesday, 27 May 2009

• I slipped up :~(

  Yesterday I slipped up.  I feel really disappointed in myself.

  What the fuc' happened???  I have no fuc'ing idea.

  Monday kinda leaked into Tuesday - V was knocking at my head here and there.  When I made it home - after teaching with an injury - after not drinking at all - something happened and I caved.  I kept trying to talk myself out of it but I caved.  I feel really bad about myself.  I shouldn't have done that - it was really stupid.

  So what the hell did happen anyways?  OMG - I smelled it.  I was attempting to get the stuff out of my car.  When I opened the bottle - I couldn't help it.  I lifted my nose to the top - hoping that the strong smell would turn me off and in fact it did the exact opposite.

  I didn't consume that much until I stopped, freaked out, and finished what I had attempted to start - I dumped all the contents of all the bottles that were in my car out on the ground.  There - no more V.  Then I grabbed a bucket, filled it with water and dumped it all over the top of the V flowing on the grass.  I can't do this anymore.

  Because I didn't drink that much I am not feeling hung over - just a slight tummy ache this morning.  And I was a little tired getting out of bed.  But because I have been clean for almost 10 days, it didn't take much.

  How do I feel?  The negative side tells me that I feel ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, like a failure, like I am a stupid weak person.  Like a person who does not deserve love.

  Another side tells me something else:

  "This was just a reminder of why you are staying away from V - see how awful it makes you feel emotionally and physically?  It will ruin everything."
  
  "Do you want to miss any more of your life because of this addiction holding you back?"
  
  "Now that you got that crap out of the way and out of your car - what on earth are you going to do now?"
  
  "You worked so hard going through withdrawl and the sleeping issues.  Do you really want to go through that gheyness again?"
  
  "Seriously - how long do you want to live?  Do you want to have a future with your man?  Do you want to have a family?"

  These are questions that I really need to answer. 

  I am attending a Yoga Master Class on the 20th.  It's 3 hours long.  Yoga makes me emotional when I take it, however I think this is something that I need to do for myself.  That mean yoga lady that I have spoken about?  She invited me and really wants me to come.  When she reached out to me I got this very motherly vibe from her.  Maybe she's not so mean after all.  Maybe she's just really protective of her Yoga participants.  I can respect that - I feel the same way about my ladies.

  I keep thinking about my boyfriend.  He said something that I haven't heard him say in a while.  Tuesday morning he walked me out for work like he always does.  He held me and said to me "I had a really great time with you this weekend, Babe.  I love you."  I was sober the whole time and we had a wonderful, memorable time. 

  And that's what I want - to remember all my wonderful memories.

  I feel really really bad that I failed last night.  I'm sorry to be a disappointment.  But that was last night.  Today is a new day.  I'm not going to let one instance fuc' things up.  Like my doctor told me about this (yes, she knows): "It's like a diet: if you screw up, just get right back on course!"

  Tonight I took the night off from teaching classes and I am going to a Zumba-thon event from 6pm - 11pm where we will dance practically the whole time.  Dancing and working out with about 100+ of my friends in the fitness community to a live DJ.  I won't stay the whole time, but I would like to get at least 2 hours or so of high energy dancing to some tribal sounds shaking my rear end.  Tonight at this event, I am wearing RED. 

  Tonight - I am not drinking under any circumtances.  No matter what I will not drink.  Because it's ghey.
  

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